This time last week I took a notion to go for a walk that would end in A&E. I've written about it already, but I'm still kind of at a loss as to how or why it happened. How did an urge that I've resisted so many times before become strong enough to take over? Did something trigger it? Was it an inevitability or was there more I could have done to stop it? Did I try hard enough? Or did I in fact want it to happen?
I don't have those answers yet, and I'm not sure I'm ready to start looking at it yet. The intervening week has been incredibly challenging, and having finally decided to go back to work tomorrow, I face another challenging week, albeit in a very different way. I haven't seen Therapist. I haven't spoken to my GP. Other than when I was in A&E, I haven't spoken to a psychiatrist (I've given up saying my psychiatrist because seeing her personally is like an act of god it's such a rare occurrence). Any time the conversation about whether or not to go back came up over the last 7 days, it ended just as quickly with 'see how the next few days go'.
I don't know how I am right now. Earlier I was scared shitless. When the kids eventually did land home, I was completely overwhelmed and didn't know where to put myself, so I promptly escaped to the relative safety of Super Valu. Since then? I've walked the dogs, made the dinner, given the kids a bath, but feel utterly detached. My girl has asked more than once if I'm ok. Hubby has asked several times whether I've hurt myself or done anything else destructive. I haven't, honestly, but my god have I been tempted. The overwhelm of earlier has turned into a sort of numb nothingness, tinged with a sense of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. There's a certain inevitability to all this. I've had my time off. I've had my space. Now I need to get back to reality. Am I ready? Am I able? I have quite literally got no clue. I can't begin to imagine how strange it will feel to walk into the office tomorrow and try and resume normality. How can I with all that's gone on? Yet that's what I have to do.
I think I'm angry. I'm really frustrated that Therapist hasn't come through for me, I won't see her at all this week. I'm pissed that the hospital has put such a burden of care on my family this last week, and left me completely unsupported professionally in dealing with the fallout of last Monday. My family - Hubby, my parents, my in laws - have been incredible, they've all gone above and beyond, but we should never have been put in this position. I cannot tell you how much I resent Hubby asking me whether or not I've hurt myself, but I understand why he has to and I can't blame him for it. Given my recent frame of mind, he needs to.
I'm sorry, I'll shut up now. I'm really apprehensive about tomorrow, and I don't fully trust myself. But I know I'll get up, and I'll go in. After that, I'll have to just take it as it comes.
Labels: anxiety, decisions, self harm, work