Thankfully, I saw Therapist today so I was able to talk about this with her. I hadn't intended to, because I realise these are all completely irrational fears, but somehow that's where the conversation ended up. She had a very rational explanation for it. My pattern over the years has been to fall from one crisis to another, but in the last 12/18 months, bar the
monstrous med break blip, things have been relatively stable. There has been no crisis to contend with and I've been able to focus on getting to grips with how my mind works. But, when I'm tired, or feeling a little under pressure, my mind will revert to old patterns, that is, anticipating the next crisis. At the moment, I fully expect something to go horribly wrong any day now, because things have been going 'too well'. I'm using inverted commas here because I realise that really, it's not possible for things to be going too well. What's actually going on is that I'm experiencing a period of stability, of normality, for want of a better word.
But old habits die hard, so apparently, in the absence of an actual crisis, my mind is going to create some for me. It's exacerbated by
what I've got, but also is something that most people do occasionally, albeit maybe to not such a dramatic degree. Technically, again, it's progress. If these are the things that I'm worrying about now, then I'm actually in a pretty good place. Really looking forward to the day that I can mark progress by simply feeling well in myself.
