So what was the next 'logical' step in my triggered thought process? Cut them both off. Yup, that'll fix everything. Except the problem is that I can't. I'm due back with Therapist next week, we'll have had a break of four weeks. In the interim, I've mailed her in desperation, I've pootled about on
facebook, and have thought endlessly about conversations I would like to have with her. I feel like a complete and utter nutjob, and I really don't say that lightly. I know that it's pretty much
classic bpd, but I don't care. She is the one person I really, really need to talk to about this, and yet she is also the last person I want to talk to about it, because I quite literally cannot begin to describe how ashamed it makes me feel. I know that she knows it's not personal, but I can't make myself believe that it's not personal. It's such a fragile relationship, and so much is based on trust, but sometimes it's incredibly difficult to continue to trust that she actually does understand this, and that I'm not freaking her out. Right now, I don't believe it. Added to this is the fact that the longer we break for, the worse this thought process gets, the angrier I become, and the more time I spend thinking that I don't need her/won't go back/fume at myself because I know I inevitably will. I can't manage without her, not long term. That scares the shit out of me.
There is however, one good point in all of this. I talked about it with Hubby. I didn't wait 3 days, hold him at arms length, persist in telling him I was fine or start a fight to avoid the conversation. A year ago I would have done all of these, and probably more. We talked about it. He tried to understand, although luckily for him he doesn't fully get it. He made space for me to do what I needed to do today to try and make myself feel better, despite the fact that he ended up spending the day doing the exact opposite of what he had planned. For all of that, I am incredibly grateful.
Will I go see Therapist next week? I really don't want to. And I really want to. I think we all know how this one will end.