I saw Therapist today. Or at least, I shared air space with her. I knew going back today after the 5 weeks would be tough, but how I acted caught me completely off guard. I was FUMING. I could barely look at her, much less articulate what it was I was angry about. A good 20 minutes in I managed to hint at the fact that I wasn't entirely happy about her leaving me to manage alone for 5 weeks. A few minutes after that, a brief rant about something she had said she would do, but hadn't. Then more silence. Then a discussion about whether or not I continue (needless to say no conclusion was reached). I left, still angry, with an appointment booked for next week which may or may not be a closing session. As she said herself, if I'm going to try and take a break, now is a good time to do it. I'm stable, we've already had some distance so aren't in the middle of anything, and I've managed the last few weeks by myself. Or, if I don't want to finish counselling entirely, she can refer me on to someone else.
I managed to get myself to the bus before the waterworks hit. I knew it would come. I knew before I even left the room that the fallout from this session would be pretty epic, although I wasn't prepared for quite how much. I knew how angry I would be at myself for not being able to say what was on my mind.
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| This is pretty much how today's session went |
Somewhere in the middle of the unique embarrassment that is crying alone on a bus I decided that I needed to get home and go straight back out for a run. It helped, a lot, (as did the pre run sobfest with Hubby), because as I calmed down, I managed to spot a few things. With my bpd goggles firmly in place, I had somehow managed to interpret the following:
- she left for 5 weeks - she abandoned me
- she didn't do something she said she would - she lied, therefore can't be trusted
- referring me on - rejection
- conclusion?? she couldn't care less about me and just wants shut of me.
It's no feckin wonder I got onto the bus and cried, that was a phenomenal whack of negative emotion to take on. Those 4 are absolutely classic borderline interpretations of events. On a rational level, I realise how little sense it makes, but emotionally? Whole other ball game. Emotionally those things felt 110% true, and cut to the bone. The plus side? I caught it. It would have been really helpful to be able to articulate all of that with her, but I just couldn't. Maybe next time I will.
As for whether or not I continue? Jury is still out. Clearly there is still some disordered thinking going on, and she could help with that. If I can keep hold of the fact that I managed by myself for five whole weeks, then maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to keep seeing her but without falling into the dependency trap. It doesn't have to be all or nothing (incidentally, another borderline gem). I'll think on it.
Labels: anger, borderline personality disorder, boundaries, emotionally unstable personality disorder, filters, perception, perspective, therapist