That's the best way I can think to describe how I've been feeling the last few days, I think since DBT on Thursday. The previous week I came out of the group feeling really good, seeing just how positive the whole process could be, but on Thursday I came out feeling overwhelmed by the sheer level of work it is going to take on my behalf to keep myself well. We were talking about secondary emotions, those that arise when primary emotions are ignored. One of them was dependency on another person, which really struck a nerve for me.
I've talked about Therapist a lot lately, about how I feel incredibly dependent on her, and needy of her time. Galway is a small town. It sometimes happens that I see her between sessions (as in literally, just see her - no communication, maybe just driving, or walking down the street). What really strikes me about these times, and thankfully they're pretty rare, is the intensity of the feeling it brings up in me when I see her. Until yesterday I wasn't quite sure how to describe that feeling. I could put physical sensations to it - a tightening in my chest, a dull ache in the pit of my stomach, and a general sense of sadness and unease. But I couldn't find one word in particular to describe it. Now I can. Homesick.
Do you remember what homesick felt like as a kid? That's what it feels like. That's the feeling that's been following me around since Thursday. It doesn't make even a shred of sense, not when I think about it logically. I've no reason to feel homesick - I'm home!! I'm with the people who mean the most to me in the world. Ok, I'd like if my parents and sisters were closer, but I'm well used to that by now, and I don't think that's the problem. It's a strange one.
What's different this time is that I'v caught it, and much sooner than I would have before. I realised when I asked Hubby for approximately the fifth time in the space of 20 minutes whether he was ok, that in fact it was me who wasn't ok. I realised when I was constantly taking big deep breaths that I was subconsciously trying to release tension from my body. I realised when I wanted to just sit and eat that I was retreating to old patterns of comfort. And this morning, I realised when I felt guilty for wanting to do some yoga that that was the time I needed to do it most.
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| I should point out that this incredibly bendy skinny lady is not me, but this is what I did (ekhartyoga.com) |
So I did. I took half an hour, and allowed myself to do a really gentle practice that mostly involved breathing. For that half hour, my mind slowed down, and it's given me the time I needed to step back and see all of the above. Almost without noticing, the good habits I've been building quietly slipped away this week. I think the excitement of seeing the sun for a few days gave me such a huge lift that I felt I didn't need them. But now the sun is gone, and I'm suddenly very aware of what's been missing. So now I know, I'm going to work to bring it back.Labels: behaviour, breathing, DBT, emotion, mood, therapist, yoga