See Change

I feel like poo this morning. Utter poo. I likewise felt like poo last night. My mood is not good. I'm nowhere near as well as I'd like to be, and I feel almost overwhelmingly guilty about that. Yesterday was a long day, with a lot of travelling (minus gadget based entertainment as my phone battery decided to up and die and my tablet wouldn't link to bus/train wifi - I'm not good with empty time at the moment). Yesterday evening, when I got home? I didn't know where to put myself. It's a common problem the last few days - I can't settle, I can't just sit. I don't know if I'd prefer to be moving, distracting myself, or asleep. I think asleep, because my brain is whizzing so fast I can barely keep up. But smallies don't like me being asleep past 6.30am, so that's a problem in the mornings. And in the evenings? I'm back to feeling at a loss as to what to do with myself, so I'm back to sitting for a few minutes before bouncing up again to find something, anything to do. It's hard on Hubby, so very, very hard. He wants to help, but he can't. I can do happy face outside no bother at all, but not at home, not with him. That has the double whammy effect of meaning that not only am I not hiding, I'm also no longer hiding everything that was under happy face all day, so he's getting the brunt of it again. Hubby, I'm so sorry. I know you know I'm trying. I know you don't blame me. But right now is so bloody hard, and I feel incredibly guilty. I hope you know it's not your fault (yes, I have said all of this to him in person. But I want him to read it too).

But, yesterday. Yesterday was such a lovely break from all this churning emotion and guilt. Someone mentioned the hamster wheel in his brain............what a wonderful analogy!! For a blissful few hours yesterday, my hamster snoozed. Bitchface snoozed. When I'm doing something like yesterday, I feel like a have a purpose. In some small way, I'm helping. For a brief while, my being me is totally ok, because I can understand what other people are talking about, how they feel, and that has the power to help them. 

There were some incredibly inspiring people there, who had so much energy and enthusiasm for what they do. I could have talked to them for hours. I wanted to talk to them for hours!! Their stories sounded so familiar. I felt at ease. I was with a whole room full of people who get it, which is both incredibly powerful and liberating. Some of them have truly mastered the concept of self care and self acceptance. In listening to them, I realised I have a long way to go. I'm going to have to continue to work hard to make the space for what I know I need to keep myself well, which at the moment feels all but impossible when faced with the prospect of heading back to work. But I have to keep trying. I will keep trying. Yesterday helped me realise, yet again, how helpful all of this is - the blog, the honesty, the talking, so I'll keep doing it. I need to come back out of the bubble now, and into my life.