Tough week. Tough weekend. I have been in a serious, serious tailspin since my visit to the hospital. I know I caught all the fears in my last post, but over the weekend, and yesterday in particular, I completely lost the ability to turn them around. It was terrifying. Here's a (very toned down) snapshot of some of the thoughts running through my head in the last 48 hours: I'm a lost cause........no one can help me..............if no one can help me, how am I supposed to get better....................it's too hard.......................there's no point...
Etc etc etc interspersed with crying/shouting. I'll spare you the gory details.
Today, both the kids were a bit under the weather so we decided to keep them home from school. Hubby was more than a little concerned at how I'd manage so he decided to work from home. I was fuming. Partly because it felt like monumental criticism (I see now that it wasn't) but I think mostly because it highlighted just what a bad state I'm in. To be fair, the day went well. We pottered. The kids made a miraculous recovery once they heard they'd be staying home, so were in great form. We went out for lunch, all four of us, to try and break the stranglehold that my mood has over the house. And I went to see Therapist this evening.
I couldn't even look at her. Never a good start. I was angry, and shut down. The emotional overdrive of the last few weeks has today turned into more of an emotional numbness, which is on the one hand merciful, but on the other, not a good sign. It has Hubby on tenterhooks because emotionally numb has ended in hospital twice now. But. Somehow, she got through to me. I left angry. I left feeling like I'd wasted her time as well as my own. I took myself off out to Salthill and sat on the prom looking at the sea for a while, and then I came home.
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| Not today, today there was a lot more rain. Sky looks about right though |
Somewhere along the way, a tiny ray of light broke through. Bitchface has been winning. If I keep listening to her, I will break. There's no doubt in my mind, and she's incredibly strong at the moment. She's been the one fuelling all those thoughts above, and more besides. I have to start ignoring her, or at the very least, not paying quite so much attention. It's not going to be easy. But, there are things I can do. Things that I have to do. I agreed with the psych that a drug free trial would be a good idea, the side effects were a nightmare, although I don't agree with their assessment of the situation. So I have to do whatever I can to try and make this trial work. I have got to give it my best shot. I'm not going down without a fight.
With that in mind, I came home and hugged my kids. A lot. More importantly, I hugged Hubby. He is in the firing line more than anyone else right now, and while he knows it's Bitchface, it doesn't make it any easier, on either of us. He's struggling. I don't like fighting, with him or my kids, and my god is it hard on him. After the hugging, I went for a run, in the absolute pissings of rain. And I came home smiling - actually smiling. I will not let this beat me, not without giving it everything I've got to try and make it better. Work is out for now. I need to run. I need to headspace. I need yoga. I need to write. Most of all, I need to figure out, once and for all, whether I can manage this demon on my own, or whether medication is going to have to be part of the battle.
So tonight, I'm going to bed calmer. I've no doubt the storm will blow up again, and again. When it does, will someone please remind me of this?? I'll try so SO hard not to yell at you for it. Maybe bring chocolate.......Labels: bitchface, compassion, emotion, family, impact on partner, Medication, meditation, mood, numb, psychiatrist, running, Self care, support, therapist, yoga