The fear

I seem to be afraid of a lot of things at the moment, things that are both (technically at least) within my control, as well as those over which I have no control. So, I'm going to go ahead and make a list of the things that are churning around my head, and see if I can persuade myself that I don't need to be so scared.

It is EXHAUSTING. In the extreme. There was a panic text to Therapist this morning, followed an hour later by an apology. There were tears at her supportive response. Tears over the phone to Hubby. There was some shouting. I may have ignored the doorbell a couple of times (although, in my defence, I wasn't dressed and I looked terrifying - bed fringe). All of this, all of it, before 10am. 

I need to try and counter all of the above list. So much of this has spiralled since my visit to the hospital on Tuesday, and the sense of absolute hopelessness that that caused. I think I'm done with psychiatrists for a while. My GP has given me details of a private clinic to consider, but really, I need to just let all of this settle, let my system settle, and stop beating myself up, literally and figuratively. 

So here goes:
I'm not going to lie, this is an absolute nightmare, one I wouldn't wish on anyone. But I have to see it through. It's so tempting to give in, to plead to be given more medication, but I know that only gives limited relief, and then this whole scenario would just be pushed out another 6 months. I have to believe that this is finite, that it's just my brain rebalancing. I have to slow down. I have to stop shouting at myself. I need to print this and pin it at various points around the house.......

......because at the end of the day, it's true. I can't see it right now, not in the slightest. But I want it for my kids, I want them to know it. And the best way for them to learn? From seeing me believe it. So I'll try. I'll try. 

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