Monday, February 24, 2014

On a knife edge

I decided to take a look at this post today, to see where I'm at. It's not pretty, I'm well on my way to fitting nicely into red, quite a few of the boxes have already been ticked. Honestly, I'm struggling. I'm working really hard to bear in mind that I'm still less than 3 weeks off antidepressants, so things may still be settling. But my god is Bitchface shouty right now, and she 110% wants me to believe that no, this isn't medication related, this is me. The crazy mood swings, the rage, the tears, the extremely negative and critical self talk (which I'm not going to put in writing because that will just give those thoughts further strength) the urge to hurt myself, the racing thoughts - it's all there in force, it's scary as hell and it's verging on impossible to control.

So many it's not even funny. Serious headache territory
I've had quite a few frank and open (putting it mildly) chats with Hubby the last couple of days. He keeps trying to remind me that I have to allow time for this to settle, but all I can see is how much this is like me of two years ago - how the tiniest thing will tip me over the edge. I should probably add the caveat at this point that 99.9% of this happens when I'm at home and hidden away from my family, so there's no need to run screaming when you see me. The 0.01% that happens outside of home tends to be when I'm alone in the car, so again, safe to say hello to me. Chocolate will always help the situation. Just fyi.

Right now, I'm relatively calm, although I've yet again cancelled a coffee date (M, if you're reading this, so sorry but I am horrendously bad company right now). This morning - stressed to the hilt in the face of an epic tantrum on the part of my gorgeous girl. Last night? Meltdown. Of the snot and tears variety. Yesterday morning? Also snot and tears. In between? Bursts of intense rage. This is bloody hard going. Hubby tried to reassure me that a few quiet days this week will help. Ha! There is nothing, absolutely nothing, quiet about our life. Small people, full time jobs, Bitchface shouting in my ear? The only way I'm getting quiet right now is by locking myself up somewhere where no one can reach me, and as that's not exactly a viable option, I'm going to have to just go ahead and try and get a handle on this.

I'm seeing Therapist this evening. Timely. I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow, also timely, although to be honest I'm not sure what they can say that will help, and that's assuming that I'm not starting all over again (again, again, again etc) with someone new. Give it a few more weeks?? Don't know if I can. But what's the alternative? More medication that may or may not work? More side effects? (Guaranteed, because if there's a 1 in 10000 chance of a really weird side effect, I'll be that 1)

So what can I do? Hang on I guess. Try and keep busy. Try not to lose focus. I want to say try not to be too hard on myself but that's getting increasingly challenging, although I guess that's probably the one I need to work on most. Mostly I just need to hang on and look after myself for a few more weeks, until we can properly establish whether this is in fact how I am off medication (and so probably try something new) or the dust settles and I can manage this myself without medication. Hoping against hope that the latter is how it'll go. Hubby once more is displaying the patience of a saint.

4 comments:

  1. HI Fiona j
    I just read today's posting, you are very down. It's great having established a huge circle of supporting friends as well as family, therapists etc.
    I don't know if you are a lapses Catholic, practicing catholic or an atheist (which is popular among a certain age group). Regardless of faith I would urge you to develop a relationship with God. You can do that anywhere. But a good starring point is to visit your local church or one of those lovely churches in Galway City and talk to God, Jesus and Our lady. They are great listeners. Tell them how you feel and how tormented you are at times. Then listen in silence and it's surprising what you may hear back. The peace and tranquility in church is a wonderful, spiritual and enriching experience. I 'd love you to experience it. Light a cancel there and ask for enlightment in your difficulties and decision making. I 'll be adding you to my prayer and candle list.
    don't dismiss my view. I 'm not a religious freak but believe in the power of prayer etc. I 'me as bould as the next person but have got great comfort from my catholic faith in times of stress. I want you to get that to.
    As regards therapists it's hard to get one that really suits you. My cousin attends Councelling and has a litany of snags she encounters from time to time. I hope you find peace of mind, isolation is a curse and I know you now love where you live it's is very limiting in winter. You can only enjoy nature to a point, dayin day out of cold and rain is miserable in rural ireland. You need buss in life to stimulate you and motivate you.

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  2. Sounds perfectly horrid. Well done for being out of bed and walking around under those circumtances. Fingers crossed for a miracle from therapist &/or psychiatrist today/tomorrow. Sending you mental (no pun intended) chocolate thoughtwaves accross the sea
    http://www.the-chocolate-shop.com/Large-box-of-luxury-assorted-chocolates.html

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  3. Fiona, I wish I could give you some positive advice, but not having been there myself, how can I; I do have days that I don't want to get out of bed but I put that down to loneliness as I still miss my husband who is 10 years dead in May and I am all alone. I watched you on TV3 and thought you are an inspiration to others who are going through similar. You are blessed with a great husband and beautiful children and a very supportive family. You are constantly in my prayers. Kind regards Chris

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  4. Fiona. I'm here with ya girl. Your story couldn't be more like mine if you tried. I should contact you directly. Coming off meds are always tough on the body. I got really bad vertigo. Unfortunately for me I ended up back on meds so I hope it works ok for you. Give it time and give yourself a break. Chin up we're thinking about you. Hopefully for me I'll be in a position to come off meds myself. I read your article in the independent and loved your honesty. It's so hard on new mothers

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