I have to preface this post with a health warning - I am pissed off. In the extreme. If you're in good form I'd highly recommend that you stop reading now.
I am at the complete and total mercy of my emotions today and it's making me crazy. The last week has gone so well, and I was bound to have an off day but I'm still disappointed and frustrated by it. I knew as soon as I woke up this morning that something had changed - I felt different. I can't explain or describe how, but there was a filter on that's been mercifully absent this last few days. I had a rotten night's sleep which definitely didn't help - I was having a really unsettling dream which kept waking me up, but every time I fell back asleep I went straight back into it. I lost count of how many times that happened. Today I was dizzy, had brain zaps, was jumpy, nauseous, and in general just off. Not depressed, but not good. Just off (clearly my powers of description have abandoned me this evening). I've been trying so hard to keep everything calm for myself. No big plans, no major expectations. Walks, quiet(ish) time with the kids, etc etc. All the things I'm supposed to do. Yet still here we are.
But now I'm in a quandary. Do I feel like this because the medication has left my system enough to allow depression back in, or do I feel like this because my system is adjusting to the lack of medication and will right itself again with time? Problem? No one fucking knows. No one. Next quandary - will my psychiatrist allow me to stay off meds long enough to determine whether I do in fact still need them, or will she insist I take the next one straight away so I don't experience 'discontinuation syndrome'? And if that's the case, how will I ever know how I am, or when to come off them? Chicken and egg in the extreme.
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I feel very out of control right now. I have all this emotion swirling around inside me, and I want to run/scream/sleep/hide all at the same time, but I don't know which way to go so I'm stuck. I don't know if what I'm feeling is genuine, or medically induced. I don't know if it will pass in a few days if I ride it out, or if it is in fact the start of a big nasty mess. I spoke about it (extremely grudgingly I might add) with Hubby this evening. Understandably, he's stressed. If I decide to take a break before starting the next med, he'll back me. But, I know he'll be watching me like a hawk, and he's already told me that if he sees or considers me to be slipping, he will sit me down and tell me I need to start back on medication. I'd like to think we won't need to be having that conversation. I'd like to think that in a couple of weeks, this wretched chemical will be flushed out of me, and I'll be managing on my own. Still with Therapist, still walking, still taking the mood stabiliser. But no more anti depressants. I have no faith in them, unsurprisingly, as for the most part they have done shit all for me apart from give me extremely uncomfortable and occasionally distressing physical side effects.
So there you have. Tapering day 11 has been bloody hard work. Here's hoping tomorrow brings something brighter for me. Any and all words of wisdom from anyone who's read this far would be much appreciated.Labels: emotion, Medication, mood, psychiatrist, side effects, symptoms, tapering, withdrawal