Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. I have such a ways to go. I'm just out of a session with Therapist, and went in so much on the defensive that it took me a full half hour to even look at her. I expected a bollocking, I think I wanted a bollocking for how I've been thinking, but it's never going to happen, because as she said, that would validate what Bitchface has been saying (I have to throw in an interesting digression here - I'm writing this on my phone and my predictive just turned bitchface into nutcase. love it!!!) Anyway, Bitchface is having a bit of a field day at the moment, but it's going to stop.
I find it incredibly hard to accept kindness, and I get it in spades from Therapist. Which is wonderful, but also causes problems in between sessions. You see I've come to rely on her as being my sole source of kindness, and so I desperately crave that in the in between time. But what I'm forgetting is she's not the only one who's kind to me. Hubby sat down and let me cry uncontrollably last night, and stayed with me throughout, because that's what I needed. I have friends looking out for me. Family. The problem isn't that I don't have people who are kind to me, rather that I can't accept it. There's that word again.
I suppose what's different as well is that in a session, the focus is all on me, and I don't have to give anything back, which is why it works. If I knew Therapist in the real world our relationship would be very different - in all likelihood she'd be another friend that I'd hide from when things get bad. So that's what I need to work on, still. Letting people in. Not beating myself up for feeling bad. Acceptance, of all that I am, good and bad. Of my situation. I know I've said all this before, chances are I'll say it again. Because that's how it goes with depression. I'm learning by increments, and I'm making progress, but every now and then I take a step back. When that happens I need to regroup, and sometimes I need help regrouping. Right now I definitely need help. And that's ok.
And Hubby, just for you, here it is in writing, from your very own crazy window licker. You were right. Cherish this moment. It may never happen again!!!
Labels: acceptance, bitchface, family, friends, Hubby, kindness, support, therapist