I've been trying to write for the last half hour, but the words won't come. I need to, because I'm in such strange form and I need to make sense of it or I won't sleep. So apologies, I don't think this is going to be cohesive, or logical, or insightful. It's just going to be me trying to figure out why I feel so off tonight, and shaking it so that I can start tomorrow in better form.
I feel lost, and lonely, and sad, and I don't know why. We had a lovely weekend for M's birthday - my folks came over, there was a lot of pink cake and much relaxing and making fuss of my girl. But something's still not right. I feel massively under pressure, and I shouldn't, because no one is putting pressure on me. I'm struggling to accept some realities right now - the fact that I have to work full time, the fact that I don't have a fixed position at work, constant financial stress, fluctuating mood............and time. Time, time, time. There just isn't enough of it. Time for me, for the kids, for Hubby, for the things I need to do to keep well (walk, write, yoga, eat properly), friends - how can I fit all of this around work? It's seems such a first world problem, and I'm almost embarrassed to write about it. But I'm struggling with it. For now at least, we'll need to be pretty regimental in our routine to keep things ticking over, and the speed that our life is moving at is scaring me. But I can't change it. I can't change our circumstances.
This isn't helping tonight. I feel like I'm just complaining and nothing is getting any clearer. It's not a nice feeling. I'm not even sure about posting this but this is me, it's where I'm at and if I can't be honest then it's not working any more. So there you have it. I feel like poo. I hope I can sleep it off and feel better in the morning.