It's frustrating as hell. I mentioned over on facebook the other day that I'm disgusted with myself for a couple of reasons - one, my complete lack of running since the debacle that was the Roundstone 8k a couple of months back, and two, the stone and half in weight I've gained since starting my current combination of meds. I realise how trite this sounds, I really do, first world problem in the extreme. But I am genuinely disgusted with myself. Physically I feel horrible - bloated, weighed down, clumsy, completely disconnected from my body, and emotionally I feel like I've really let myself down, yet again. Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I get it together? I manage in bursts, and then I lose it. I get into a routine, but then I lose it. I convince myself that giving in to the (I want to say occasional but we all know that's a crock of poo) chocolate/chinese/takeaway cravings is being nice to myself, that the extra few minutes in bed will really make me a much nicer mammy because I'll be so much more rested, that skipping yoga in favour of faffing about online or sitting on the sofa is giving myself a break.................but it's all horse-shit. It's the Blerch.
|The Oatmeal - a source of profound insight and wisdom|
So how do I pull it back? Again? I don't know, but I need to figure it out, because right now my Blerch and Bitchface are definitely winning - he wants me to stop, she berates me for it. Heady combination. Tomorrow is my last session with Therapist for 5 weeks, and despite all my assertions of not needing her anymore, the thought of being without her support for 5 full weeks is terrifying. I can't try everything together, it's too much. But I need to make a start. Fuck it. Sleep. I need sleep. I've lost perspective and am seeing everything through a myriad of bpd filters. Everything else will have to wait now.