Wednesday, September 10, 2014

World Suicide Prevention Day

It's world suicide prevention day today, so it seems as good a time as any to tackle a subject I've only ever really alluded to in the past. There's a big difference between feeling suicidal and having what I now know is called suicidal ideation. Thankfully, for me it's more often been ideation, as in, I've thought about it without taking the thought further down the road towards planning. But, occasionally it has gone further than ideation.

Friday, September 5, 2014

My borderline personality

I've spent a considerable amount of time lately tossing back and forth about whether or not to continue with Therapist, whether the need I feel for her support is appropriate or not, or if maybe that need is stopping me from being fully well. So I looked to google (where else??) for some answers, and came across a really interesting article called the BPD Client. I actually found it quite hard to read, because it touched pretty much every nerve I have. It could have been written about me.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Borderline goggles

I saw Therapist today. Or at least, I shared air space with her. I knew going back today after the 5 weeks would be tough, but how I acted caught me completely off guard. I was FUMING. I could barely look at her, much less articulate what it was I was angry about. A good 20 minutes in I managed to hint at the fact that I wasn't entirely happy about her leaving me to manage alone for 5 weeks. A few minutes after that, a brief rant about something she had said she would do, but hadn't. Then more silence. Then a discussion about whether or not I continue (needless to say no conclusion was reached). I left, still angry, with an appointment booked for next week which may or may not be a closing session. As she said herself, if I'm going to try and take a break, now is a good time to do it. I'm stable, we've already had some distance so aren't in the middle of anything, and I've managed the last few weeks by myself. Or, if I don't want to finish counselling entirely, she can refer me on to someone else.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Back to reality

As you may have noticed if you've been reading the blog for any length of time, my relationship with Therapist is somewhat complicated. I struggle constantly with how one sided it is, and push far harder than I should to try and even things out - I'm much happier being the one asking questions than doing the talking. Needless to say that hasn't really worked, and the boundaries are still firmly in place. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was in two minds about whether or not to go back to Therapist at the end of this break. It's been almost five weeks since I've seen her, and it's certainly the longest I've gone without any support in years. I'm quietly proud of that, and also relieved that I managed to get through all those weeks without either caving and mailing her in desperation (and having the inevitable guilt and corresponding drop in mood at having done so), or else contacting her back up person in a panic.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Another ugly cry

I'm struggling the last few days, really, really struggling. Mood has been getting progressively lower, and now today I'm really tearful. It sucks. I've just had a good cry down the phone to Hubby, and in between sniffling managed to work out that there are probably a few factors at play. Summer is almost over. Autumn has arrived rather dramatically - it's chilly, grey, and the evenings are noticeably shorter. I haven't seen Therapist for 4 weeks, which is longer than I've managed without her (and without resorting to her emergency back up person) in almost four years. I'm hormonal as fuck. It's a heady combination.

Sunday, August 24, 2014


Last week saw the launch of Mental Health Reform's pre-budget campaign, the aim of which is to gather as many signatures as possible on a petition to try and persuade Government to both follow through on the promises they've already made in relation to mental health services in the country, and also in the hope of securing increased funding in the upcoming budget.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Things are looking up

I saw my psychiatrist today - my actual consultant as opposed to one of her team - for the first time in a good two, if not three months. I think it was possibly the first time that I've seen any of them that I didn't go in feeling anxious, scared, and with a long list of issues that needed to be addressed. Or, as in some cases, a very short list - meds aren't working.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The fixer

I was sent an incredible piece of writing today, from a man who talks about how his wife's depression impacted on him. Unless you keep up with me on facebook or twitter, or are particularly dedicated to the 'over to you' page, it might pass you by and I really don't want that to happen, so here you go - it's the piece called 'The Fixer'.

Donal's words are raw, honest, powerful and all too familiar, particularly to Hubby, but I think that's what makes them so important. We hear a lot about depression from the perspective of those of us who experience it ourselves, and even more from services who work to help us. But often, not enough thought is given to those living with, or close to us, and the impact that our mental ill health can have on them. I think it's incredibly important for those people to be given a voice, and also that they helped to realise that they too need support, more than that, are every bit as entitled to support as we are.

Donal, huge, huge thanks for sharing this, I feel absolutely honoured. I've no doubt your words will touch a lot of people.