Tuesday, April 21, 2015

You're a fucking plank

I'm back to square one with running again. Again. Again. I tried starting back a few weeks ago and ended up sick. Then I tried again about 10 days ago, and ended up aggravating an on-going foot issue. I was furious with myself, and the self flagellation/black and white thinking kicked in in earnest - I'll never be able to run properly. Everyone can do this except me. I always give up.........you get the idea.

Anyway, today something clicked. A couple of people in the SSASS jalking group are using couch to 5k/10k apps, and getting really good results from them, but for some reason, this has never seemed like a valid option to me. There are a couple of things at play there. Firstly, I cannot stand being a beginner, at anything. Secondly, and if I'm being really honest, I thought I was better than that. I thought I could just jump in the deep end, and succeed, without having to particularly try. I felt embarrassed at being seen doing the walk/jog combo - I'm either a runner, or I'm not (there's that all or nothing thing again). I should point out that I can absolutely see the value of other people adopting this approach, but till today, was unable to apply it to myself. So I tried the baptism of fire, with a fairly challenging training programme, and surprising to probably no one but myself, it didn't work out, and led to all of the horrible, horrible thought processes I outlined above.

But today, like I said, something clicked, and I decided to go and download a couch to 10k app. Initially I wanted to jump in at week 5 - surely I'm better than week 1?! Then I looked at it and pulled back to week 3. Then I finally, finally put my ego to one side, and this evening I went out and did week 1, day 1.


Funny story. Not only did I manage it, I enjoyed it. I brought the dogs with me to do away with the need for another walk later, and I just did it. I came back feeling absolutely fantastic. It wasn't the longest run I've ever done, in fact, probably closer to one of the shortest. But it felt comfortable, and doable, and I didn't have to shout at myself to keep going.

When I got back, the following conversation ensued between myself and Hubby:
Me: I swear, I got more endorphins out of that one little run than I have done out of any of the runs where I really had to push myself.....
Hubby: deep intake of breath.................you're a fucking plank. You got endorphins because you FORGAVE yourself.
Me: you may have a point.........
Hubby: Write a post about that you fucking window licker

(Before I go any further, I just want to make something very clear - the above is not Hubby being shitty in the slightest!! We were both laughing through that conversation, and window licker is one of the many lovely terms we use to bring humour, however dark and offensive it may seem to some, into the often sorry mess we find ourselves in due to my mental health or lack thereof)

He's right of course, utterly and completely. I fight with myself, constantly, and it's something that came up with Therapist yesterday. Running, despite my best intentions, had become yet another stick to beat myself with, and I have more than enough already. I don't know what was different about today, or why I was suddenly able to be that much more gentle with myself, but it felt really, really good. I wasn't shouting at myself the entire time. I wasn't wishing my way to the end. I wasn't hurting my feet. I was allowing myself to admit that I'm not able to run, not yet, and I have to start at the beginning, just like everyone else.

I'm in flying form this evening, this time yesterday I was in the horrors. Such is life with bpd. The stressors of yesterday are very much still there, but this evening, I feel so much better for having given myself a break. That's a win



Monday, April 20, 2015

Decompensating

I've been wracking my brain all evening trying to remember a word Therapist used earlier in relation to how I am at the moment. I came up with 3 contenders - destabilising, decompressing, and decompensating. I'm under a lot of pressure, from external factors as much as head stuff, and the combination of the two isn't pretty. Stress is impacting on my ability to manage bpd symptoms, and an increase in severity of bpd symptoms is impacting on my ability to cope with stress. I didn't even realise what the issues were until I started talking to her today, describing ways that I've been feeling and acting, and then she very gently pointed out that they're all most certainly related.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Permission

It's finally happened. It's taken the best part of three years, but I finally, finally trust my psychiatrist. She didn't say anything I particularly wanted to hear, but at the same time I left feeling reassured that I haven't been making everything up, that all the crazy that goes on in my head is real (unfortunately), and part of bpd. It was the first time we really talked about it properly to be honest, I think probably because it was the first time I felt able to tell her some of the more random stuff that I think and feel - chiefly, everything about Therapist.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Trust issues

I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow, or most likely one of her team. I'm at a loss as to how to describe the last few months - I haven't seen her since before Christmas which is the longest gap I've had between appointments since I was discharged from hospital. This is a good thing, it means she was happy with how I was doing when I last saw her, and this appointment is just to check in.

Monday, April 13, 2015

What you say, what I hear

I made it. I saw Therapist today. To say I was shitting it is putting it in the most polite terms possible. I fully expected to walk in, be read the riot act and kicked back out on my arse. Perhaps not surprisingly, that didn't happen. She was kind, understanding, empathetic and non-judgemental. In short, she did her job, and she did it well.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Perfectly borderline

I'm almost there. I've almost survived my lengthy and self inflicted break from Therapist. It's times like this that I wish I'd stayed anonymous as a blogger, because writing about this is so incredibly hard, and makes me feel a deep and profound sense of guilt and shame. But, I need to write about it, so..............

Friday, April 10, 2015

Peaceful interlude

Remember yesterday's guilt ridden post? Well after writing it, I put the kids in the car and we headed ten minutes out the road to an absolutely beautiful spot on Lough Corrib. We climbed rocks, we threw stones, we explored and they had an absolute blast. We connected more in that one hour than we have done during the entire rest of the holidays and it was just wonderful. Today we're back to 'I'm bored..........can I have something to eat............he said...................I want................Maaaaaaaaaam', but that's ok, because it's just part of life with kids. Today at least, I can see that I'm actually doing a pretty ok job with this motherhood lark. This little post is to remind me of that.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Self care, should and mammy guilt

3 things I'm not doing so well on at the moment, and naturally enough, they all tie in nicely together. I've noticed a pattern the last couple of years (what, another one? Yes. Really) When I start to slip mentally, my ability to look after myself physically goes with it. I'm not talking major physical neglect, but there are definitely things I'm less inclined to do when I'm not feeling great that I could probably add to my already lengthy list of tells. I don't look after myself properly. There are little things, like not moisturising after the shower, slightly bigger things like completely neglecting my skin and then getting frustrated with the inevitable (med related and therefore unavoidable) outbreak that swiftly follows, slightly bigger again things like not paying heed to what I'm eating.......it all adds up to a general state of not feeling physically great on top of not feeling emotionally great. None of it is consciously done though. I might notice that I'm not doing the above, but I'll brush it aside with excuses - chiefly, I'm tired, and then later, I couldn't be arsed. But they're all flags, they all point to not being as well as I could be or as I'd like to be.  They're also all flags that have been flying big time the last couple of weeks.