Wednesday, July 29, 2015

A step closer to dbt

The blog is back. I've been dipping in and out the last few weeks, and not too sure about where I was going with it, but for now, I need it, because I will very soon be facing into 8 long months during which I will have access to no therapeutic support of any kind, so I have to become my own therapist. Writing is without doubt the best way for me to do that, but unfortunately, unless I know there's a possibility someone else will be reading it, I won't think things through enough, so you get to be my co-therapists by default.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

'Helpful' advice

I came across these few images today, produced by Mind, a UK mental health charity. They're aimed specifically for people with bpd (the images, not the charity). It may be the frame of mind I'm in right now, ie, cranky as FUCK, but they didn't strike me as particularly helpful in any kind of real world scenario. Before I rant any further, take a look at them and see what you think:

Monday, July 27, 2015

Imagine having borderline personality disorder.........

'Imagine having BPD just for a day. Imagine seeing life through the eyes of someone with this disorder…
  • Someone thinks you’re ‘needy’, with BPD; you just need to know you’re loved. 
  • A person points out your flaws, with BPD, you already know your flaws, you obsess about them, all of the time. 
  • Someone tries to encourage you by pointing out how you could improve on something, with BPD, you only hear the words, ‘you’re a failure.’ 
  • Somebody doesn't ring you when they said they would, with BPD this means they've abandoned you. 
  • Somebody asks what you could possibly have to be depressed about, with BPD, you now feel ashamed for feeling this way. 
  • Someone tells you to stop being so negative, with BPD, this only intensifies how you feel.
  • People tell you that the bad days will pass; with BPD you feel that they don’t understand.
  • Someone tells you that they’re too busy to see you; with BPD it means that you have become a burden on them. 
  • Someone changes your routine; with BPD they've upturned your world.
Look again at somebody with BPD, what is it you see now?”

Mind, The Mental Health Charity

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Say it's not real. Please?

Today I hopped back up on the rollercoaster with another visit to the psychologist. Last time I saw her was incredibly emotional, today it was much more clinical as she started doing the pre DBT assessment with me.

It was a really strange thing to be doing, and mid answer I caught myself marvelling at how surreal it all felt. Well maybe marvelling isn't the right word. More desperately did I end up being someone who answers these kind of questions? Questions about self harm, suicidal ideation, impact on relationships, past trauma. I found myself thinking that it has to be wrong, this cannot possibly be real. It can't be me. Can it?

Monday, July 20, 2015


I wanted to write today, about the truth of what I feel versus truth of what I've been told, and the great gaping chasm that's between the two. But yet again, I find the words won't come, or at least, not in a way that I'm happy with, or a way that makes sense. It's almost as if I'm writing about someone else, and keeping things very much at arms length. I don't want to get too close to feeling, because I'm scared of how completely overwhelming it is. I'm very much aware that I don't want to face the reality of the next few weeks, and the fact that Therapist will soon no longer be a part of my life. I also feel utterly ridiculous about the impact that it is having on me, it feels beyond melodramatic.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Surf the urge

I was out for a walk with the dogs this evening when it occurred to me that I wanted to sit down and write when I got home. There's been so much going on, a lot has changed. I'm not in a position yet to reflect in any great depth about how it makes me feel, because to be honest, there's too much feeling if I allow myself to think on it, and it has already proven to be overwhelming more than once.

So, here's where I'm at. Following on from the last time I wrote about Therapist, we've had one further session, during which she confirmed what I was most afraid of - it's not a good idea for us to continue working together any more. She doesn't see this as a failure by any means, nor is it rejection. It's simply that we've come as far as we can, and I now need something other that what she can give. She's currently on leave for 6 weeks, I'll have two further sessions when she gets back to bring things to an end, and then that's it. No 180 this time, because the decision is out of my hands.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Not yet

I thought I'd give writing a go again, just to see, but it's not happening. Too much to think of, too much to consider, and I'm not ready yet. This time tomorrow I'll be on the road back west, holiday over, back to reality. If I'm being honest, I've a knot in my stomach even thinking about it. So for the next while, the blog will stay on pause, until I can let myself think without getting lost in it. Have I mentioned my new found love for instagram?? There'll be photos. Lots of photos. Eventually I hope there'll be words, just not yet.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Instagram interlude

I'm in Denmark at the moment, and really enjoying the break from....well, from everything. The blog has been very much at the back of my mind, and there's no doubt I'm missing writing, but to be honest, right now there is so much going on, and so much I need to consider and weigh up, that the best approach seems to be the one I've taken - keep it all at a distance, and just let it come and go in my mind without giving it too much focus.

But, it has left something of a gap. As you've probably noticed if you've been keeping up with me for any length of time, I really love taking photos of landscapes that make me feel better. I'm no photographer, and I'm equipped with nothing more elaborate than the camera of my phone. But I get such a sense of peace from being near trees and water........I realise how remarkably clichéd that sounds but it's true. I need green, and space, and quiet, every day if possible. So for the next while my focus will shift over to instagram. If you want to keep up with me, I'm going by Sunny Scattered.

Karrebæksminde, Denmark
As for everything else? Time. I need time.