Monday, October 20, 2014

Awkward conversations

Today I had one of those conversations that I really, really don't like to have. You know, one of those where you have to admit out loud that things really aren't as awesome as we might like. So far, I've said it to Hubby, my folks and I've spoken about it with a few friends so I had to take the bull by the horns today and say it to my boss. Again. Again. It felt horrible, and I squirmed my way through the conversation, but fair dues to him, he didn't bat an eyelid. I'm incredibly lucky to be working for someone who treats this whole mental illness lark exactly the same way as he would a physical illness - tell me the problem, tell me what you need, I'll tell you what I can do, and we'll go from there. If things aren't working out, we'll talk again.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Thank you

I've been a really one sided blogger of late, I'm so sorry about that. Loads of you have mailed me, commented on posts, on facebook, on twitter, and I just haven't been able to get it together to respond to you. It's not really good enough, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support and insight, but my ability to focus on anything beyond necessities is shot lately. I'm so grateful to have had you with me throughout this insane journey, hopefully some of you will keep plodding along beside me. If I appear to have ignored your comment or contact, believe me, it's not deliberate and I cannot tell you how good it makes me feel every time I get a comment notification - it helps me know that no matter how bad things are, I'm not the only one. But, right now at least, I just don't have the wherewithal to do anything about it, and I'm sorry for that.

Effortful to some degree*

Head is mush this morning, absolute mush. Here's a list of everything I did not/do not want to do today:
  • get up
  • shower
  • get dressed
  • feed myself
  • sort the kids out 
  • go to work
  • get into the car

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Wonky chemistry?

So here's an interesting observation. Well maybe interesting is too strong a word, but it's something I noticed yesterday that isn't exactly awesome. Remember I was doing a fair bit of spinning over the summer and really enjoying it? But then about two weeks ago I tried a class that ended in a panic attack, tried one last week that was like a cruel and unusual form of torture as it followed on from a kettlebells class, and then last night.......well last night was pretty much just horrible. I stayed, I kept going, but my god was it tough. Every single fibre of my being wanted to stop, to leave, there was a constant loop running around my head saying 'just stop. Stop the bike, and go home'.

Guest post - It can be the simple things

Post for 'over to you', by Gabhain O’Donnabhain

It can incredibly difficult to be a young Irish male these days, let alone being a young Irish male living in a rural area with mental health issues. Without going into it in a whole lot of detail, I had a very traumatic upbringing, with major grief and loss on a personal level, to put it mildly, along with growing up in a household with addiction in it, I also survived stage 4 cancer. As I got older I tried and tried quite successfully to bury pretty much every memory of childhood that I could, almost to a stage where I was not sure if had very had a childhood.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Of all the things that are odd about you......

I had a really, really lovely session with Therapist today. It's two weeks since I've seen her, so there was a lot of positivity and excitement to catch up on. Normally I like to gloss over these things, I'm still intensely uncomfortable acknowledging the possibility that I might be doing something right, but she wasn't letting me today. She sent me home with a challenge - watch the interview, really watch it - and see how I come across. According to her? Confident, capable, in control of what I've got, and a really good advocate for mental health. What I see? I make a lot of faces when I talk.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Signs

Since I last wrote, it's been an incredibly busy week. There was another newspaper article, a (very brief) TV interview, and a presentation with See Change to some of the staff of IBM. In between, there's been the normal stuff of life. All in all, I think I've handled it reasonably ok, although I did need to resort to medicinal support a couple of times. I've been pretty tired, and struggled to balance the whole need for sleep/rest with the need for exercise and endorphins. Unfortunately I didn't get it quite right, and ended up overdoing exercise in an effort to keep my mind quiet. There have been a few conversations with Hubby the last couple of days around how I am, mostly ending with me realising there are some flags flying that I wasn't aware of. Here are the bits I picked up on:

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Rollercoaster

I've noticed something the last few weeks. My emotions are not my own. What I mean is that I am very much at the mercy of external factors, be they good, or bad - something good happens, mood goes way up, something (that I perceive as - very important distinction) bad, mood goes down. I realise this is true for everyone to some extent but it's the frequency and extremes of mood that are a problem for me, and are a key aspect of bpd - affective instability is the official term. What I'm hoping to eventually get to is some kind of equilibrium - that while external influences may be positive or negative, I can sit fairly calmly in the middle. Resilience is the word Therapist would use.