In my last post I talked about how much separation is still a trigger for me, and always, always causes problems any time Therapist takes a break. We discussed this a lot yesterday, and she outlined how I typically react to this separation. I'll save you going back to look for it, here's what she said I do:
'I'd shut down, agree I'd be fine for the few weeks then spend those weeks desperate to speak to her. The closer we got to a session, the angrier I'd get, and I'd bounce back and force so much about whether to cancel or not that by the time I was actually sitting in front of her I'd be too angry to speak. I'd stew for most of the session, then 30 seconds before it was time to leave, I'd spit out the problem, but, we wouldn't have time to address it. She'd have to give me a few extra minutes to calm down, boundaries blurred all over the place, and by the time I saw her again, I'd be too embarrassed to talk about it. It would eventually come to a head after a few weeks when I'd be able to admit how much I struggled while she was off, and all the associated shame/guilt/rejection etc etc.'
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Monday, November 24, 2014
Remember last week when I mentioned Therapist had suggested skipping a session and I was mostly ok with it? HA! I am so full of shit sometimes. I'm not ok with it, not even close. Why? Well, in my rational, logical mind which occasionally graces me with its presence, I know that skipping a week while she's off is no big deal. There's no crisis right now, I'm doing well, and it's a good time to start challenging the dependency I have on her. But my emotional mind? Whole different ball game, separation is one of my biggest triggers. Emotional mind was playing havoc with me in the session this evening, following a week of working hard to keep it at bay ever since the suggestion of a longer gap between appointments.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Right, I've either lost the run of myself entirely, or this is something that might actually work. It's possible I'm just delirious with tiredness, will come to my senses in the morning and delete all of this. In the meantime, you have a narrow window of time in which to take a look and let me know if I'm properly out of my mind this time. Be honest please!
Monday, November 17, 2014
As planned, I spoke to Therapist today about my somewhat alarming lack of memory of my time in Cyprus, which opened out into a more general conversation about my overall lack of memory. She wasn't overly surprised by it. I don't know if it's because of what I've got, or because of the anxiety that came about as a result of it, but it's likely that my lack of memory directly relates to the level of stress I felt at any given point in time. Apparently the brain isn't awesome at storing memories when it's busy trying to survive.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
The last time I wrote, I was looking back on my (extremely brief and disastrous) stint as an erasmus student. I mentioned that I was lucky enough to have my sister with me, and that having her there stopped me from losing the plot altogether. Having her there, as it turns out, also gave me something else - a completely different version of events
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Once upon a time, there was a 19 year old girl who didn't fit in. She was very aware of this, and was ready to try anything to change it. So, she decided that a very clever thing to do would be to take off to Cyprus on erasmus, for a full academic year. She also decided to do this alone, having never lived away from home before (apart from a brief stint in Boston for the J1 but that was a whole other ball game and at least one other post), having never been to Cyprus before, and without a word of Greek. What could possibly go wrong??
Monday, November 10, 2014
I saw Therapist today. I didn't cry, or shake (well, much) and I was able to keep eye contact. Things are changing, the last couple of weeks have definitely been different. She can see a big change in me too, apparently she's never seen me like this before. Resilient. Grounded. In control of what I've got. In good form, but without the slightly manic edge that comes with anxiety, or the hyper edge that comes with tiredness and a whizzy brain. It feels really, really good. I'm not sure what's caused this shift. Medication? Running? Inordinate amounts of vitamins?! Or am I finally, finally getting to grips with handling bpd? To be honest, I don't think it really matters, what matters is I feel as with it as I have done in a very, very long time. The little voice that wants to tell me this is only temporary is trying hard to be heard, but really, I'm not inclined to listen right now.
Friday, November 7, 2014
I'm home alone this weekend, first time since Easter I think. I sat and read this afternoon for the best part of 4 hours. 4 hours!! I don't think that's happened since pre kids. It was glorious. I was reading a book that really had my attention, I wanted to finish it, so I did.