Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Haters gonna hate

No, this isn't a post about Taylor Swift, although I do think she's quite wonderful (don't judge me). It's about how people perceive this blog, my page, what I'm doing and why I do it. I have trolls, I'm pretty sure every blogger in the world does. You can't publish online without picking up a couple, and the best approach is to quietly ignore them, which is what I've been doing for almost two years now.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The really horrible kind

The last few days have been long, challenging, and mostly shitty. D got sick Saturday night and still isn't 100%, M started puking today. Hubby's not great and I am beyond tired. I'm also quite depressed, which is making all of the above that much harder to cope with. I thought if I tried to ignore bpd it would go away, much like I thought if I tried to pretend I could manage without Therapist, I would be ok. I'm not. I'm far from ok. I'm really, really struggling. I texted her today to see if there was any chance of a cancellation this week but no joy. Worst part? I don't really believe her. There's a part of me that's utterly convinced I'm still being taught a lesson for messing up so badly, and that when I do see her, she'll make that very clear. There's also a part of me that desperately doesn't want this to be true, and maybe on some level I know that it's not, but right now I'm tired and the nasty voice is louder.

Monday, March 30, 2015

A touch depressed

I think it's quite likely I'm a touch depressed right now. Things are challenging. Not impossible, but certainly challenging. There are certain ways that I'm behaving that are raising red flags, but although I can see them, the effort required to do something about them seems a little beyond me. Apparently articulating this in a way that makes sense is also a little beyond me. I'm in a really 'couldn't be arsed' frame of mind, one that usually results in (as Hubby puts it) me wandering around the house leaving a trail of chaos behind me - I start something, get distracted half way through and move on to something else, leaving the first job half done. Same happens with what distracted me and I move on to something else. I've been doing the virtual equivalent of sitting and staring at the wall for hours on end - sitting and staring at the interweb without really doing anything. I've bits I could be doing for Please Talk and the green ribbon. I've lots for doing with the blog. God knows there's plenty I could be doing around the house. The kids are both under the weather so getting out isn't really an option, which definitely doesn't help, and as Hubby isn't here, (trying to go for) a run isn't possible either. If the kids weren't here today, I would probably spend most of the day staring at a screen of some form. I haven't seen Therapist for weeks now and I miss her, badly. But what would I say if I saw her? Probably nothing, because when I feel like this articulating my thoughts properly, as you may have gathered by now, is pretty much beyond me. I don't much want to talk to anyone. I went out to meet a few friends Saturday night, lasted 40 minutes, made my excuses and came home, I just couldn't engage. And I'm tired. Really, really tired. Too tired considering how little I've been doing lately, and how early I've been getting to bed.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Guest post - Peace of Mind

Ray, 29/03/15

I am writing this piece to describe my never-ending journey to reach the town of Peace Of Mind. I was diagnosed recently with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) at age 46. My mental health journey is over 30 years old.

Trying to reach Peace of Mind reminds me of the journey of the hobbit in the Lord of the Rings. In those books there is danger everywhere. Frodo Baggins must face the Dark Lord Sauron so that he doesn't get complete control of Middle Earth. Frodo is a hobbit with a ring, Sauron a monster with armies, dark magic and pure evil.

Thursday, March 26, 2015


I don't really want to write this post because the last couple of days have been mercifully trigger free and for the most part, I've been fine. Until last night, when in a fit of tiredness/eye infection/nasty cold induced misery I decided it would be a good plan to mail Therapist. I knew that there was a 99.9% chance that she wouldn't respond, and so far I've been proven right. Ok, I'm a little hurt by that, but I get it. Boundaries.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

SSASS running!

This time last week I was well and truly in the horrors. I had given up on writing, given up on my page, and given up on Therapist, and was on the verge of realising what a huge mistake all of that was. Tonight? Tonight I'm in really, really good form. I survived what I've been dreading for the longest time - Therapist telling me she had no space for me. It was really nasty for a few days, but now, I'm ok. I'm more than ok.

Sunday, March 22, 2015


My frame of mind has moved into an interesting space the last couple of days. After the storm of Thursday, and the fallout that came on Friday, I've progressed to something different. I've managed to create the one situation that Therapist said would never happen - I've pushed her away. I always thought that when/if this happened, it would be all but impossible to deal with, and for a few days, it really felt that way. But now? I feel more at peace with it. It's strange, and hard to describe, because it's the thing that I've been fearing for the longest time.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Destructive presence

I'm struggling right now, I'm really, really struggling. I've had enough of bpd. I hate it. I hate how it makes me think, how it makes me behave, how it takes over my thoughts and twists them into something really ugly, how it stops me believing anything good about myself..........I just hate it. I'm tired of fighting with my mind. I do not trust one single thought that I have. I've been doing a fair bit of reading, trying to learn as much as I can about it, and in some ways it helps, because I can see where I fit in. But at the same time, it really doesn't help, for exactly the same reason.