Friday, July 25, 2014

PFO

I'm missing my blog a lot at the moment. Time to myself is at a premium, and in general I don't schedule writing time - something comes into my head and I run with it. But, with us all being home the last while, it's virtually impossible to do that, and I miss the clarity it gives me, the chance to order my thoughts and make sense of how I'm feeling. Today is an astoundingly good case in point, and in fact I need this time so much, the kids are now distracted by devices so I can work uninterrupted.

I recently applied for something that I was really interested in, and thought I was a good fit for. It wasn't a job, but something that I would find really fulfilling, would give me great experience and possibly put me in a position to help effect change. But today, the PFO (please fuck off) arrived. I'm gutted, absolutely gutted, and having to try incredibly hard not to take it personally. Challenging for anyone, but bpd loves this - I take EVERYTHING personally. I'm trying to figure out what I left out of my application. I'm wondering if the public profile I have as a blogger has anything to do with it, and strongly suspect it may. That said, this kind of speculation is pointless because chances are I'll never know why. I didn't get it. End of.

Ouch
It's going to take a considerable amount of effort not to let this cloud my day. Form has been incredibly up and down anyway, it's pretty much been day on/day off good/bad. Motivation is waning, I'm finding it increasingly hard to get myself going in the morning, and all the self care I know I need to do is being quietly ignored (yoga, meditation, walking, running) with the result that my perspective is skewed and all the old negative thinking patterns are out in force. I've put myself forward for a couple of other things and I'm now convinced I'll be rejected there as well. 

Crap it. I've just hit the nail on the head. Rejection. It's a huge, HUGE trigger. It feeds straight into the incredibly deeply held core belief I have of not being good enough, for anything, anyone, or at anything. Even last week when Therapist suggested pushing out the gap between appts it triggered this sense of rejection - she's pushing out appointments because she doesn't want to see me - she doesn't want to see me because she doesn't like me - she doesn't like me because I'm not a nice person, ergo, I'm not good enough. Bloody hell. And now the PFO. Unlike Therapist, who worked hard to assure me it was nothing personal and that it was worth trying, no one is going to reassure me of anything this time.  I've requested feedback on my application but I don't expect to get it. 

So, onwards and upwards I guess. I don't handle criticism well, and I certainly don't handle rejection well - it's like an extreme form of criticism. But I know this. So now I'm going to try really hard to engage brain and not let this get in on me. It's not personal. I hope. I just wasn't the right fit. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Demon

That's me today. Demon. Antichrist. Thundering bitch. Cannot keep my cool and I'm so frustrated. Monday was challenging, found it tough going with the kids who were tired, overheated and bickering constantly, and had to fairly seriously lay down some ground rules that had been forgotten (again. Again). Then yesterday was just lovely. We had a lot of fun, a friend I haven't seen in months called out for a while in the afternoon and the kids were in flying form. I felt great - relaxed, in control, connected with the kids.


Today? Monday all over again. Everything I suggest is met by a whine from either/both kids, and I just do not have the patience today to keep calm. I rarely shout at them because shouting only ever makes me worse, never mind them, but I roared at them this morning, and sent them to their rooms. I've never done that before, I don't particularly agree with banishing them as punishment. M was really upset, D didn't know what to do. But I felt like I had to get some distance between the three of us before I properly snapped, so I guess at the time it was probably the best decision.

So, while they were upstairs, poor Hubby got an earful. He made many sensible suggestions, all of which I dismissed outright (sorry hon, I appreciate the effort, I really do). I was too angry to listen, and on the verge of hitting myself to break it. That hasn't happened for a while. Once off the phone I realised that I'm the adult in the house, and it was up to me to calm things down. How can I teach the kids to control their emotions if I can't control my own? Decision made. They were going to get to watch a movie so I could do some yoga (which has been woefully neglected for weeks now and no doubt contributing to my current state of mind). We hugged, I apologised, explained why I was angry, and what we were going to do - they could watch a movie to help them relax, and I'd do my yoga to make me feel better.

All good. Shrek is on. Went to log into yoga to find subscription has expired and there's nothing I can do about it till next week. Thankfully, I managed not to lose my shit entirely. You are now bearing the brunt of it by reading this insane rant, and I'm sorry for that, but I had to do something to regroup. Since I don't have my yoga, this is the next best option. Possibly more so.

I woke up feeling shitty today after really unsettling dreams. I knew before I even got out of bed my form was off. I tried to ignore it but clearly that didn't work out. I tried to work through it without really giving myself the time I needed (not fair on the kids blah blah blah). Not a runner either. So, perhaps inevitably, I reached the point where I had no choice but to take a back step or twenty and work hard to calm myself down.

This has helped. I'm going to go and take another look at that sub and see if I can push it through today. I'm going to take A LOT of deep breaths. This time with the kids is short, incredibly precious, but also extremely full on. Ignoring my need for time alone helps no one.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Who am I?

This is a big question, and one that I doubt I'll have answered by the end of this post. I once heard one aspect of bpd, that of taking on the moods of those around you, described as the chameleon effect. That is such a good way to describe it!! So much of my life is dominated by my mood. I realise that may sound trite - isn't everyone's? But for me it feels like so much more, because my mood, the vast majority of the time, very much depends on those around me.

Chameleon meets ladybird.....
This explains why I'm uncomfortable in group situations, why crowds freak me out, why I take it personally a good 95% of the time that Hubby may be in less than sparkling form, why I always hold back when I meet people for the first time - I don't know what my baseline is, so I'm waiting to see what the other person's is. Whatever emotion I meet, I reflect back. Sometimes, particularly in groups, that can be completely overwhelming.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Things have become so much more settled in the last three weeks since I've been home, that any time my mood shifts, it's more noticeable. I have some definite triggers, this isn't news. But I'm becoming more aware of what circumstances I need to feel well, to feel happy. The big ones? I need my kids, I need to be at home, and I need time alone. Today, I decided to run into town - I had just one stop to make so it was going to be a quick visit. For anyone not familiar with Galway, July is the height of crazy season. Town is thronged. I don't do crowds, and I especially don't do crowds on my own. I actually found myself panicking while I was out earlier - the noise and level of movement around me was just too much. I managed (thank you DBT) - I kept reminding myself to breathe, and that I was safe - but I couldn't wait to get home again. You see, I didn't know how I felt, and that is so disconcerting.

The relief when I got home was incredible, but my form has been off since. I'm unsettled. I've picked on Therapist again as the source of anxiety - the usual will I/won't I go debate that now accompanies every appointment - but I know that isn't really it. It's just me, and what I've got, and trying to figure it all out.

I've just read back over what I've written, and something has occurred to me - I wonder if part of the anxiety around Therapist is because she doesn't give me anything to reflect back?? She presents me with a blank slate, so I have to be me. And now, in a period of relative stability, there's no crisis to focus on, so I've no choice but to focus on the nub of the issue - who am I? What is it to be me?? It's a question I can't answer right now, and I'm not a fan of the unknown. This feels like a bit of a eureka moment.