Saturday, December 20, 2014

Facebook fail

*Disclaimer - the kids interrupted me approximately 3,052 times while writing this post so apologies in advance if it makes no sense

I wrote about this particular subject before, back when it first became a problem, and then felt so uncomfortable about having admitted to it publicly, that I swiftly deleted the post. It was the first and only time that's happened, and I wasn't proud of it. But here's the thing. The problem that I wrote about is still a problem. Facebook. Therapist. And the combination of the two.

I crave knowledge about her. It makes no sense, because every time I might possibly see just a glimpse of the person behind the Therapist mask, it makes me so intensely uncomfortable that I want to run a mile. It's the most bizarre contradiction - I want to know the real person, what goes on for her, speak to her as equals, yet I also need her to be perfect so that it's ok for me to burden her with my crazy. I've created a persona for her where she is a model of calm and serenity,witty, fun to be around, happily married, probably with a wonderfully well adjusted family. I compare myself relentlessly to that persona and without fail, come up wanting. Yet despite wanting one thing (knowledge), and having created another (persona), at the same time I have to find a way to persuade myself to accept that the former isn't possible, and the latter isn't real. I also have to accept that even though she isn't perfect, and she quite likely has plenty of stress of her own, she's still very good at her job and trained to help me. So, even though she might look tired, I have to work under the assumption that if she's in the room, she's 100% there for me, tired or otherwise. And of course, added to this is the fact that I'm constantly, constantly on the look out for even the tiniest visual cue as to what might really be going on for her and amending the persona accordingly.

Then, let's throw another spanner into the mix. Facebook. Therapist, like the vast majority of the rest of the world, is on facebook. How do I know? Because my need to know about her has reduced me to snooping around the interweb. Not my finest moment(s). Her privacy settings are to the max, and I can see nothing personal about her, but does that stop me looking? No, it does not. The worse I feel, the more often I check, just in case something, anything, might have changed. It rarely does, and really, what can you learn about someone from a facebook profile picture?? Absolutely nothing.


We've talked about it so many times. I know why I do it. She knows why I do it, and is ok with that. I'm not, I hate it. I find the gap between sessions really hard, and I find long gaps during holidays even harder. The less contact I'm able to have with her, the more I want. Facebook gives me nothing, but at the same time, it reassures me on some level that she's still there. It feels like some kind of connection, however insignificant. In reality, it's no connection at all, and when I'm feeling bad, it's like a form of emotional self harm. It's the tiniest glimpse of what I want, but nowhere near enough.

We've talked about whether or not she should block me, we tried it briefly. It didn't help all that much, and at times that I feel particularly needy, it triggered a horrible sense of abandonment and rejection - how could she cut me off like that? Completely irrational I know, but hey, bpd loves irrational. So I guess no more than any other disordered behaviour, I've got to try and get it under control. This one is particularly challenging. I'm trying, I really am. On good days it's ok. On bad days? I'll leave you to figure that one out.



Monday, December 15, 2014

Obsessing

I'm obsessing. It isn't pretty. I've spent the last two hours or so trying to figure out what exactly it is I want to say to Therapist, and I keep hitting a wall. I miss her, I'm angry with her, I never want to see her again, I want to see her now - it's making me crazy. I came across an amazing blog today, life in a bind. It's like she's been reading my mind, especially when it comes to Therapist. Does it help to know that someone else runs this gamut of emotion over someone they essentially know nothing about? I think so. Does it make it even the tiniest bit easier? No chance.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Arghhhhhhhhhhh!

That title is an arghhhhhh of pure frustration. I decided I was taking a break from Therapist. I wasn't exactly over the moon with joy about the decision, but it seemed like the right one. Protect myself against further dependence on her, and then I won't have to deal with the fallout when she's not there. Makes sense, right? Well, only kind of. I came across an article this morning, you know, the kind of ones I've quoted before that make me catch my breath they're so searingly close to the bone. This one was no different. Here's the bit that got me:

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Control freak

Today was a little challenging, although I knew it would be. After writing last night's post I stayed up far too late randomly wandering around the interweb, and then had a small visitor during the night so not enough sleep was had. But really, the main issue was the emotional fallout from yesterday's decision to take a break from Therapist for a few weeks, coupled with her non response (as entirely expected, I told her I'd be in touch) to my message about said break.

Monday, December 8, 2014

At arm's length

Yesterday I was full of the joys, but today I need words. Having had a break from Therapist last week I was of course, of course, in two minds as to whether or not to go today. This time last week it would have been out of some warped form of cutting off my nose to spite my face/I'll show her/how dare she leave me etc etc etc, but the more I've thought about it the last few days, the more I've been able to see it for what it is.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Good times

I have had the most fantastic weekend. Awesome, from start to finish. I realise it's been a while since I wrote, a whole week, and I've just read back on that last post. This time last week I was not a happy bunny. But today? Today I'm great.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Clutter

The last few days have been really, really challenging. I've been almost constantly swinging back and forth between desperately wanting to speak to Therapist (to say what exactly I don't know) and being so phenomenally pissed off with her (again, about what I don't know) that I never want to see her again. It's been hard. I'm assuming the trigger is our break tomorrow, and all the borderline madness that that has inspired, but knowing that and being able to handle it are two very different things. I get why it's happening, which helps to some degree, but the rollercoaster of emotion, and subsequent actual physical feeling that goes along with it? Still nasty. A broken arm is still going to hurt even though you know why it hurts, isn't it?

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Hubby

To counteract the insanity that is my inner monologue this last while, here's an epic quote from my beloved, enjoy!

'Due to some technical issues with Fi's internal processors, her TAKE_A_COMPLIMENT algorithm isn't working. For the foreseeable future, when complimenting Fiona, you may get a ridiculous response. This is because her I'M_A_MENTALIST script overwrites her TAKE_A_COMPLIMENT one. We apologise for this, please bear with us while her CPU undergoes analysis and rebuilding. I will be happy to liaise and take compliments on her behalf.' 

(I got a mail yesterday from the National Library of Ireland telling me that my site is to be included in their web archive which aims to 'preserve Irish websites of scholarly, cultural and political importance.......for future generations'. My first response was to assume it had been sent to me in error, hence the above :-) )

Isn't he a bit of terrific?