Sunday, September 28, 2014

Fallout

September has been full on. Every week there's been something above and beyond the normal quiet chaos that is family life, and this last week was no exception. Thursday I was up in Dublin for the Reachout.com technology for well-being conference, and yesterday I was presenting at the Grow AGM. Both were awesome. I get incredible energy from speaking at events like this, and love having the chance to meet people who are so passionate about what they do. But, unfortunately, it comes at a cost.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Technology for well-being conference 2014

Yesterday was the second annual Reachout.com Technology for Well-Being International Conference, and I was privileged to both attend and speak at the event. The theme this year was 'bridging the digital disconnect':

Friday, September 19, 2014

Blood test for depression?

I just read a really interesting article about a study that's been carried out in the States, the aim of which is to identify blood markers that indicate depression. Wouldn't that be phenomenal??? Imagine all the uncertainty, all the second guessing, the disbelief, the calls to snap out of it, all completely done away with because we could finally, definitively prove that depression is real. As the article states, 'the lack of an objective test has facilitated widespread slurs that diagnosed individuals are faking their condition, or that depression does not exist at all. Unsurprisingly, few things are as damaging to a person with depression as the disbelief of those around them.'*

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Potted version

I haven't written in a week. It's been absolutely manic. Since last Wednesday there's been this:

M's fourth birthday - the garden was full of giggling pink clad people about ten mins after I took this
This:

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

World Suicide Prevention Day

It's world suicide prevention day today, so it seems as good a time as any to tackle a subject I've only ever really alluded to in the past. There's a big difference between feeling suicidal and having what I now know is called suicidal ideation. Thankfully, for me it's more often been ideation, as in, I've thought about it without taking the thought further down the road towards planning. But, occasionally it has gone further than ideation.

Friday, September 5, 2014

My borderline personality

I've spent a considerable amount of time lately tossing back and forth about whether or not to continue with Therapist, whether the need I feel for her support is appropriate or not, or if maybe that need is stopping me from being fully well. So I looked to google (where else??) for some answers, and came across a really interesting article called the BPD Client. I actually found it quite hard to read, because it touched pretty much every nerve I have. It could have been written about me.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Borderline goggles

I saw Therapist today. Or at least, I shared air space with her. I knew going back today after the 5 weeks would be tough, but how I acted caught me completely off guard. I was FUMING. I could barely look at her, much less articulate what it was I was angry about. A good 20 minutes in I managed to hint at the fact that I wasn't entirely happy about her leaving me to manage alone for 5 weeks. A few minutes after that, a brief rant about something she had said she would do, but hadn't. Then more silence. Then a discussion about whether or not I continue (needless to say no conclusion was reached). I left, still angry, with an appointment booked for next week which may or may not be a closing session. As she said herself, if I'm going to try and take a break, now is a good time to do it. I'm stable, we've already had some distance so aren't in the middle of anything, and I've managed the last few weeks by myself. Or, if I don't want to finish counselling entirely, she can refer me on to someone else.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Back to reality

As you may have noticed if you've been reading the blog for any length of time, my relationship with Therapist is somewhat complicated. I struggle constantly with how one sided it is, and push far harder than I should to try and even things out - I'm much happier being the one asking questions than doing the talking. Needless to say that hasn't really worked, and the boundaries are still firmly in place. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was in two minds about whether or not to go back to Therapist at the end of this break. It's been almost five weeks since I've seen her, and it's certainly the longest I've gone without any support in years. I'm quietly proud of that, and also relieved that I managed to get through all those weeks without either caving and mailing her in desperation (and having the inevitable guilt and corresponding drop in mood at having done so), or else contacting her back up person in a panic.