Thursday, July 2, 2015

Just Fi

I've been tossing something back and forth in my mind the last few days, off the back of the emotional shitstorm that was Monday, and the disappointment that followed on Tuesday. Both days I was floored, utterly and completely, and no use to anyone.

My life is busy. Really, really busy. I have young kids, I work, I'm struggling with the same financial woes as a significant number of my generation, and like everyone else, have the odd crisis to contend with. I also think quite a lot, and over the last couple of days, have started to come to the realisation that it's entirely possible that I in fact, think far too much.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Put a lid on it

I had my appointment with the psychologist. It was hard to know where to even begin with describing what's been going on, so here's the potted version of what happened - I cried, a lot. I explained the situation as best I could. She's going to speak to Therapist. Yes I can do dbt, but not until March. No, she's not in a position to offer me on-going sessions, although she will see me in two weeks time after she's spoken to Therapist. I cried some more. She asked me to try headspace every day between now and the next time I see her, and note how I feel before and after. I cried some more. And that was it.

Monday, June 29, 2015

End of the road

After seeing Therapist last week, I finally began to grasp the realisation that I can't keep her on a pedestal any more. In the intervening week, I wrote down everything that I've been needing to say to her the last few months, but couldn't because I felt so ashamed, and because almost all of it was about her, or my perception of her. Today, I read that missive to her. I didn't want to, because I was so scared of what the outcome would be - that the slowly dawning realisation that I've come as far with her as I can would be spoken aloud, and therefore, true.

Which is exactly what happened. I think I've known it for some some. I'm completely caught up in transference and counter transference, but I can't work through it, and it's paralysing me. It's unbearable, she's been seeing that, and can see it all the more clearly after today. I can pinpoint the change in our relationship to Christmas, and she agrees, because that was when she started becoming more firm with boundaries. The firmer she got, the more desperate I've become, the more I've pushed, and the more she's had to reinforce those boundaries. Every single time we've had that conversation has felt like a physical blow, and I cannot stand it any more.

But here's the shitty part - I can't stand the prospect of a future without her in it either. So what do I do? How do I get past this? She tried to emphasise to me that ending the therapeutic relationship suddenly would not be good for me, that ultimately it would come back to bite me in the ass. But from where I'm standing, if we both know it's going to end, why prolong the pain? And of course, the timing is exquisite - next week was to be my last session for 6 weeks anyway. Right now, I cannot see the point in planning to see her on the far side of that break, because not only will I have the ending to contend with, I'll also have the usual abandonment/rejection etc etc etc crap that always follows a break. What is the point in trying to work through all of that again, to re-establish a connection, only to swiftly shut it down for good?

I get that some of this is the borderline all or nothing tendency - it's going to end so just end it now. But also I'm trying to protect myself. Breaks are hard enough at the best of times, but to take a break, knowing that I'll be coming back to an ending? I don't know how I could handle that.

Equally I don't know how I'm going to handle it if next week is the last time I ever walk out of her office, because that's the other thing that she had to make clear to me today - if I make the decision to end this, then that's it, there's no going back. I feel like the arse has just fallen out of my world, and that all this mess and confusion is of my own making. She was at pains to point out to me that that's not the case, this isn't a failure, it's just that we've reached the end of the road together, but I cannot get past feeling this is all my fault. I'm heartbroken. Utterly and completely. The thing that I've been dreading most, that I've been scared of most, all the years I've been working with her has finally happened.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

I'm me again

I had an appointment in the hospital today. I fully expected to see Dr. Joe Anybody having seen my consultant the last time, so was very pleasantly surprised to see her again today. Like last time, she was very much on the ball. My biggest concern right now is how I'm going to manage the upcoming 6 week gap while Therapist is on leave. Her response? No problem. I'll get the psychologist to see you for those 6 weeks. 

Mind. Blown

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Choking on guilt

Remember that sensation I mentioned of having something caught in my throat? I've learned two things about it. One, it's called globus sensation (thank you C) and I think in my case is definitely psychosomatic. Two, I strongly suspect it's something to do with guilt. I am quite literally consumed with guilt at the moment, about everything. It's the driving force in my life, my main motivator and equally my main source of self loathing.

Monday, June 22, 2015


It's finally happened. Therapist has finally taken a tumble from her pedestal. I don't know how I feel about this. Since about 12 this afternoon I've had the sensation of something being caught in my throat (there's nothing there), and our session was really tough. This was partly because it's just been a shitty couple of weeks since I last saw her so there was a lot of stress to contend with, but also because we had to talk again about what I need versus what she can offer. She said a lot, most of which I can't remember because I was too busy not breathing. I know there was something about my being too important for her to take a risk, that that's why we need more support. I think she meant both of us - me in that I need more than she can offer, and her in that things have gotten too complicated for her to be solely responsible. I may be interpreting that entirely incorrectly but it's what I understood at the time. We talked about her upcoming holiday - 6 whole weeks where I won't see her. She wants me to chase the hospital, to make sure they put something in place for that time. She's willing to talk to them if they will talk to her (up till now they haven't, other than once when I was an in patient).

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Take care of me

Since I last wrote I've managed to hold up my hands, admit defeat, and ask for help. Thursday was really, really hard, and I knew I was getting too close to breaking point for comfort. The day did end, I did get some sleep (went to bed same time as the kids) and yesterday was easier to handle for it. What also helped immensely is that my parents have taken the kids for the weekend to give Hubby and I some space to breathe.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Best laid plans

It has not been a good week for us. Friday, I finally got my act together and made it back out for a run. I was so pleased with myself, it felt good, I did some yoga, I was sure I was back on track. Saturday, same, good form, we had a friend over to visit who we haven't seen in a long time and had a really good catch up. But then Sunday happened.