Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Something new

Right, I've either lost the run of myself entirely, or this is something that might actually work. It's possible I'm just delirious with tiredness, will come to my senses in the morning and delete all of this. In the meantime, you have a narrow window of time in which to take a look and let me know if I'm properly out of my mind this time. Be honest please!


Monday, November 17, 2014

What do you need?

As planned, I spoke to Therapist today about my somewhat alarming lack of memory of my time in Cyprus, which opened out into a more general conversation about my overall lack of memory. She wasn't overly surprised by it. I don't know if it's because of what I've got, or because of the anxiety that came about as a result of it, but it's likely that my lack of memory directly relates to the level of stress I felt at any given point in time. Apparently the brain isn't awesome at storing memories when it's busy trying to survive.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

A great, gaping hole

The last time I wrote, I was looking back on my (extremely brief and disastrous) stint as an erasmus student. I mentioned that I was lucky enough to have my sister with me, and that having her there stopped me from losing the plot altogether. Having her there, as it turns out, also gave me something else - a completely different version of events

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

What could possibly go wrong?

Once upon a time, there was a 19 year old girl who didn't fit in. She was very aware of this, and was ready to try anything to change it. So, she decided that a very clever thing to do would be to take off to Cyprus on erasmus, for a full academic year. She also decided to do this alone, having never lived away from home before (apart from a brief stint in Boston for the J1 but that was a whole other ball game and at least one other post), having never been to Cyprus before, and without a word of Greek. What could possibly go wrong??

Monday, November 10, 2014

Something is shifting

I saw Therapist today. I didn't cry, or shake (well, much) and I was able to keep eye contact. Things are changing, the last couple of weeks have definitely been different. She can see a big change in me too, apparently she's never seen me like this before. Resilient. Grounded. In control of what I've got. In good form, but without the slightly manic edge that comes with anxiety, or the hyper edge that comes with tiredness and a whizzy brain. It feels really, really good. I'm not sure what's caused this shift. Medication? Running? Inordinate amounts of vitamins?! Or am I finally, finally getting to grips with handling bpd? To be honest, I don't think it really matters, what matters is I feel as with it as I have done in a very, very long time. The little voice that wants to tell me this is only temporary is trying hard to be heard, but really, I'm not inclined to listen right now.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Alone time

I'm home alone this weekend, first time since Easter I think. I sat and read this afternoon for the best part of 4 hours. 4 hours!! I don't think that's happened since pre kids. It was glorious. I was reading a book that really had my attention, I wanted to finish it, so I did.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Today

Today I don't want to reflect on the past, or try and figure out why I am the way I am. I don't want to think about Therapist, or medication, or diagnoses, or any of the other things that ordinarily take up so much headspace. Today, I just want to think about today, and how it was pretty much the most perfect day I've had in a long time. So here are a few photos. I don't need any more words right now.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Who was I?

Every now and then I decide that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I don't have clinical depression, and I most certainly don't have borderline personality disorder. But then I read something that resonates so strongly with me that I almost stop breathing. Like this:

'I, like many other people with Borderline Personality Disorder, have an interesting ability to "read" people. My therapist has clarified that this skill is actually a learned survival skill. Somehow, somewhere along the way, we unconsciously realized that if we can look a person over, sum up what they are all about, and interact with them accordingly, we would be safe. Our needs would get met..................I spent all of my time reading and responding to people in a way that I believed would cause them to accept and like me, but I never really developed my own unique sense of me. I'd see glimpses of it, but if I thought I had an opinion about something, then engaged in a conversation with someone whose acceptance, love, or approval I desired, and their opinion was different from mine, I instantly adopted their point of view. The interesting thing is that I didn't even mind. It was as if it didn't matter.'**